Son Called 'Murderer' by 20-Year Friend for Not Choosing Life-Sustaining Treatment for Mother

The Painful Revelation That Shattered a 20-Year Friendship

A devastating story has emerged from a Korean online community that has left readers questioning the boundaries of friendship and the complexities of end-of-life care decisions. On June 26th, a man shared his heartbreaking experience of being called a murderer by his friend of 20 years during a drinking session. The reason? His decision not to pursue life-sustaining treatment for his mother who passed away 10 years ago.

The man, identified as Mr. A, posted on an online community with the title 'I heard this from a friend while drinking - how should I respond?' His story has since sparked intense discussions about friendship, ethics, and cultural perspectives on death and dying in Korean society. The emotional weight of his words resonated with thousands of readers who found themselves grappling with similar moral dilemmas.

The Night That Changed Everything

During what should have been a casual evening of drinks, Mr. A's world was turned upside down when his intoxicated friend made a shocking confession. 'Yesterday I was feeling down and went drinking, but my friend drank too much and called me a murderer,' Mr. A wrote. The friend's reasoning was brutal in its simplicity - because Mr. A had chosen not to pursue life-sustaining treatment for his mother during her final days, he was, in his friend's eyes, responsible for her death.

What made the situation even more painful was the friend's admission that he had harbored these thoughts for years. 'He said he had always thought this way,' Mr. A revealed, suggesting that their entire friendship had been built on a foundation of hidden judgment and moral condemnation. This revelation has left Mr. A questioning not only this particular relationship but also wondering about the true thoughts of others in his social circle.

The Cultural Weight of Life-and-Death Decisions in Korea

To understand the full impact of this story, foreign readers must grasp the cultural context surrounding end-of-life care in Korean society. Traditional Korean values, deeply rooted in Confucian principles, place enormous emphasis on filial piety and the preservation of life at all costs. The concept of 'hyo' - filial devotion - is considered one of the highest virtues, and any action that could be perceived as hastening a parent's death is often viewed with suspicion or outright condemnation.

However, modern Korean society is experiencing a significant shift in attitudes toward death and dying. The introduction of the Life-Sustaining Treatment Decision Act in 2018 legally recognized patients' rights to refuse or discontinue life-sustaining treatments, marking a pivotal moment in Korean medical ethics. Despite these legal changes, social attitudes have been slower to evolve, creating a generational and ideological divide that often leaves families torn between traditional expectations and modern medical ethics.

Community Reactions: A Nation Divided

The online response to Mr. A's story has been overwhelmingly supportive, with most commenters expressing outrage at the friend's insensitive remarks. On popular Korean community sites like DC Inside, Nate Pann, and Instiz, users have rallied around Mr. A, sharing their own experiences with similar difficult decisions and criticizing the friend's lack of empathy.

Representative comments include: 'I can't believe a friend of 20 years would say something so cruel. Making that decision must have been incredibly difficult,' and 'Your friend has no right to judge you for a decision that wasn't his to make.' However, a minority of users have expressed understanding for the friend's perspective, reflecting the deep-seated cultural tensions surrounding these issues. Some comments read: 'I understand why someone might feel that way, even if they shouldn't say it out loud,' highlighting the complex moral landscape that surrounds end-of-life care decisions in Korean society.

The Psychological Toll of Moral Judgment

The psychological impact of being called a murderer by a trusted friend cannot be understated. Mr. A described being unable to sleep and feeling emotionally devastated as he went to work the next day. 'I couldn't sleep because of what my friend said, and I went to work feeling terrible. It hurt even more because it came from a friend I really trusted,' he wrote.

Mental health experts emphasize that such accusations can trigger intense feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and trauma, particularly when they come from someone close. The decision to forgo life-sustaining treatment is already one of the most difficult choices a family member can make, often involving months of agonizing deliberation and consultation with medical professionals. To have that decision questioned and condemned by a friend adds an additional layer of psychological burden that can persist for years.

Legal and Medical Perspectives on End-of-Life Care

From a legal standpoint, Mr. A's decision was not only morally defensible but also legally protected under Korean law. The Life-Sustaining Treatment Decision Act allows patients and their families to make informed decisions about end-of-life care, including the right to refuse or discontinue treatments that merely prolong the dying process without improving quality of life.

Medical professionals consistently emphasize that choosing not to pursue aggressive life-sustaining measures is not equivalent to causing death - it is allowing natural death to occur. Dr. Kim Sung-ho, a prominent bioethicist at Seoul National University Hospital, has stated in numerous interviews that families should not feel guilt or shame for making these difficult decisions, as they are often the most compassionate choice for both the patient and the family.

The Broader Implications for Korean Society

This incident reflects broader tensions within Korean society as it grapples with changing attitudes toward death, medical intervention, and personal autonomy. The generational divide is particularly pronounced, with older Koreans often maintaining more traditional views about the sanctity of life, while younger generations are more accepting of patient autonomy and death with dignity concepts.

The story has also highlighted the need for better education and dialogue about end-of-life care decisions. Many Koreans still lack comprehensive understanding of what life-sustaining treatment entails and the ethical considerations involved in these decisions. This knowledge gap contributes to misunderstandings and moral judgments that can devastate families already dealing with grief and loss.

Moving Forward: Healing and Understanding

As Mr. A contemplates the future of his friendship, his story serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of empathy and understanding in our relationships with others. The decision to end a 20-year friendship over this incident reflects the deep hurt caused by moral condemnation from someone he trusted.

For foreign readers, this story offers valuable insight into the complex cultural dynamics surrounding death and dying in Korean society. It demonstrates how traditional values and modern medical ethics can create tension and conflict, even among close friends. Most importantly, it underscores the need for compassion and support for families making these incredibly difficult decisions, rather than judgment and condemnation that only adds to their suffering.